go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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