I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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