Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
