who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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