I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
