could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
