Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
