Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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