Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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