I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
