It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
