Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
