Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
