So drunk its hurt
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
