Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
