I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
