Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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