she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
