I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
