if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
