I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
