The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
