I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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