My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
