she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
