After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
