can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
