I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
