Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
