Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
