Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
