genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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