my phone needs a breathalizer
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You need a sexual gate keeper
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
