Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
