you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
