Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
