Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you never un-have a 4some
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
