Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
