guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize