I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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