mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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