The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
