I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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