i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
