I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
