And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
