I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
