you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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