Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
being pregnant is like rehab
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
