Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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