Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
