According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
