I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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