I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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