I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
